Trip to Target

Dear Ava, 

We made our first solo trip out yesterday. Just you and me...and the BMW. I'd been wanting to go to Target for a few days, but the sleepless nights got in the way of accomplishing much during the day. Today, however, I have been a lot more productive as I try to keep my mind off the fact that your dad is currently in a plane flying to the other side of the world. After straightening up our room, organizing your clothes, and doing other small tasks around the house I finally decided to take the plunge and go to Target with you. 

The was a major event not only because it was our first solo outing, but also because it was the our first solo outing with the BMW. We bought the BMW just a few days after you were born. We needed a bigger car, your dad wanted to ensure we were safe and didn't have to worry about vehicle maintenance, and he absolutely loves BMWs. I am still trying to figure out how he talked me into us buying the X5 (it cost a lot!), but I love the safety, size, and no hassle maintenance. 

Yesterday was the first time I drove it, and that was only around the block with your dad sitting in the passanger seat making sure I understood all of the controls and features. I refused to drive the car for the first time with you in it. Driving an expensive car carrying priceless cargo (you) would have been too much for me, especially since it was raining yesterday.

Our first family car.

 

On a side note, occasionally when you nurse you have really cute poses, like the one right now where your hands are folded together up against your left cheek. I immediately think about taking a picture, but thankfully realize that I would be showing the world much more of myself then I am comfortable with in said picture. Oh well.

The trip to Target went very well. You slept almost the entire time and also survived being alone in the second row of the car. On every other car trip of your life someone (mostly me) sat back there with you. I think it was more for daddy's and my piece of mind rather than your needing someone back there. 

You are definitely growing and changing. Your head is bigger today than it was even yesterday. The was another newborn at Target and to me you seemed older and bigger than her. It is amazing to watch you change and grow even though you are only 12 days old. 

Seeing Joe Off

Dear Ava,

This morning we dropped your daddy off at the airport. I managed to not cry until we arrived at the airport, but then the waterworks started. It is a good thing he was driving because I probably would have turned the car around with him in it and driven back home. His goodbye to you was very sweet, though you managed to sleep through it. Yesterday he asked if he could take you back to Korea with him. I wish we were all going there together, or all staying here. When we arrived home I took you upstairs to feed you and I proceeded to cry for a while. You will look so different the next time he sees you in person. You will no longer be a teeny tiny newborn with limbs that look so frail and thin. Already, you cheeks, chin, and tummy seem to be plumping up a bit and you look a little older each day. Do you have to gow up so quickly?

Snuggling while missing Joe/Daddy

 

First Growth Spurt

Dear Ava, 

Today is your daddy's last full day in the States before he returns to Korea. We most likely wont see him again until November. I had hoped that our little family could enjoy some time out of the house together during his last two days, but I did not account for or even know about you first growth spurt at 10 days of age. 

Ava and Daddy

You are currently sleeping peacefully in my arms as I sit downstairs in the living room.  You appear so peaceful, but appearances are deceiving. The price I am paying for this peace is in the form of the purple pacifier in your mouth....which you just spit out. I had hoped to go with the recommendation to wait until you are 4 weeks or so of age before introducing one, but as with most things so far, reality laughs at my plans. I am guessing the next round of feedings will soon commence. 

Briefly calm after a feeding during the growth spurt

The two hour break between the end of the last feeding and now is greatly appreciated. I was able to eat, shower, get laundry started, and organize a bit while grandma held you. Unfortunately, I did not sleep. 

Sleep is something both your daddy and I have not had much of recently. From midnight to 1:30pm you nursed at least every hour, if not twice an hour, and would not sleep unless you were held. Daddy and I caved at 7am and enlisted Grandma Fenton's help to hold you in-between feedings so that we could get short catnaps. Beware of the growth spurt that happens at 7-10 days old!

Ava's preferred way to sleep

The two hour break starting at 1:30 pm is due to Grandma  Fenton asking if i was philosophically opposed to pacifiers. Despite my wishes to delay giving you one, Daddy and I had already tried sometime in the wee hours of the morning. you sucked on it for maybe 2 minutes before spitting it out and becoming even more mad. However, when Grandma Fenton gave it a try and it worked! I would say that my plan is to not give you pacifiers very often, but since all my plans seem to go out the window I am not making any such plan. 

Army Wife

Having served in the military myself for the past 12 years, I often don't think of myself as an Army wife even though I gained that title last year on July 6th. I don't watch much of the TV show Army Wives because I get to experience the real thing first hand.

Being an Army wife means hearing your husband's work phone ring 5 minutes after you both go to bed on late on a Saturday night and having him have to go back into work to deal with a Soldier issue until 5 am. Of course, you don't know it will be until 5 am. All you know is that the situation is very serious and that he will come back home when the situation is stabilized enough. Being an Army wife means that you spend the next day, Mothers Day, letting your husband sleep in until 11 am and then travelling with him to a hospital 2 hours away to visit the Soldier in a hospital. Due to the type of situation, you can't actually accompany him to the hospital but instead must find something to occupy your time for however long it will take him to visit the Soldier (and an additional Soldier who was admitted for a different reason). Thankfully, you are able to visit an old friend on that base (old friend in Army terms.....you met 4 years ago) and spend the time with her and her new baby. By the time your husband is done in the hospital you have already had to cancel your dinner out with another couple. Instead, for Mother's Day your husband makes ham sandwiches at home for both of you for dinner.

Being an Army wife means that most mornings your husband leaves for work around 6am and returns home again after 7pm. It means your dinner out the next Saturday to celebrate your completing your final two classes of your Master's degree instead turns to you getting take-out alone from the KATUSA snack bar. Of course, you don't find out the change in plans until he gets a phone call on the work phone 10 minutes before you both were about to head out to the nice dinner. Once again, you are at home with a dinner of chicken cheese ramen, yaki mandu, and spicy pork and rice waiting for him to return after an equipment and training issue arose that required him to go back in to work with no known return time.

Being an Army wife also means that you see how hard your husband works, how selfless he is both at work and at home, how much he cares for his Soldiers and the mission, and how much the men he works with and for respect him, and you couldn't be more proud of him.

Hope

This morning I awoke with a feeling that I have not experienced in many months. A feeling of hope and excitement about the future. A feeling like things will get better. A feeling like I will be able to enjoy the sunshine, beautiful days, shopping for baby items, and preparing to meet my daughter.

I am not sure when the grey cloud descended on me but I know being apart from Joe, being in command, school, Jenavieve's death, and then trying to figure out how I would balance being a geographically single mother while still in the Army Reserves all played a part. I've known for a while that the cloud was there but did not want to talk about it or admit that I was very stressed and probably depressed. Instead, I trudged through each day without looking forward to the next.

The changing point came in March when the offer Joe and I put on a house here was not accepted and then later that week I was in the hospital very briefly for something related to the pregnancy. It was then that I decided to make some changes in my life that would remove a lot of the stress. Joe and I gave up the house search in CA and decided that I should move back to MN to live with my parents this summer. I will have a lot of family and some friends there to help me with the transition to being a mom while Joe finishes up his next year in Korea. I will also be giving up command in CA as a result, which takes another huge load off of me. I really like my unit and my Soldiers and it is hard to leave them, but I am also looking forward to not having to worry about not doing enough for them. Finally, I will be putting in my paperwork to transfer to the Individual Ready Reserve (IRR). That way, while Joe is in Korea our daughter and I have a lot more freedom and flexibility to go see him more frequently and for longer stretches of time. I am not sure the dates of when I will give up command and when I will be allowed to transfer to the IRR, but hopefully it will be sometime this summer or early fall at the latest. Things are finally looking up.

 

Back In Korea

Yesterday, after 96 or so days apart, Joe and I were finally reunited back in South Korea. Though three months is one of the shorter times apart we have had since we started dating, being apart is never easy no matter how short the amount of time. It was so nice to see him again when I exited the baggage claim area at the airport. My plane was delayed 40 min leaving San Francisco due to high winds, so I worried that he would get to the airport extra early and then have to wait even longer. He said he didn't have to wait too long, which I hope is true.

Our taxi driver on the way back to Camp Hovey was an extremely fast driver. He also utilized the technique of merging into the left turn lane at a red light and then cutting back in front of the line of cars going straight so that we would be the first car past to pass the red light. There were quite a few times where my whole body was tensed up as he drove, though he did cut the drive time down by an hour or so.

Once we arrived back at the apartment I tried to stay awake as long as I possibly could. Joe had to leave to do a barracks check at 11 pm to make sure that all of his Soldiers were in their rooms, so I tried to stay away until then. We watched TV together while waiting for the barracks check time to arrive and I quickly succumbed to the effects of travel and resulting sleep deprivation by resting my head on his chest and falling asleep.

The next morning was full of my usual first day back in Korea routine which consists of cleaning out the food that is no longer good,  re-enrolling myself in DBIDS so that I can buy groceries and also go on and off post, going grocery shopping, and running other errands. After clearing all of the no longer edible food out of the refrigerator and freezer all that was left in the fridge was a jar of mayo, some diet coke, and a V8. Usually on day two or three I tackle organizing the apartment to make it look presentable. I can't really blame Joe for it not looking very organized since he just got back from gunnery. The main thing I have to do to make the place look presentable is organizing and putting away his TA-50.

It is so nice to be back with Joe. This week is recovery from gunnery and next week is planning and prepping for the next two-week field exercise his unit has coming up, so he has to work long days while I am here. We are hoping that he at least gets the weekend off of work. Neither of us want to go anywhere and instead we would love to have a lazy weekend of sleeping in, watching tv together, and relaxing.

Uh-oh. I think the fact that is is midnight Pacific Time even though it is only 4pm in Korea is catching up with me. I may have to take a nap soon.

Why Easter is the Most Important Celebration in the Church Year

"Easter is a day of celebration because it represents the fulfillment of our faith as Christians. St. Paul wrote that, unless Christ rose from the dead, our faith is in vain (1 Corinthians 15:17). Through his death, Christ saved mankind from bondage to sin, and He destroyed the hold that death has on all of us; but it is His Resurrection that gives us the promise of new life, both in this world and the next." 

From the Catholic Catechism: 

Christ's death is the unique and definitive sacrifice

613 Christ's death is both the Paschal sacrifice [Passover Lamb Sacrifice] that accomplishes the definitive redemption of men, through "the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world",⁴³⁹ and the sacrifice of the New Covenant, which restores man to communion with God by reconciling him to God through the "blood of the covenant, which was poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins".⁴⁴⁰

614 This sacrifice of Christ is unique; it completes and surpasses all other acrifices.⁴⁴¹ First, it is a gift from God the Father himself, for the Father handed his Son over to sinners in order to reconcile us with himself. At the same time it is the offering of the Son of God made man, who in freedom and love offered his life to his Father through the Holy Spirit in reparation [the act of making amends, offering expiation, or giving satisfaction for a wrong or injury] for our disobedience.⁴⁴²

Jesus substitutes his obedience for our disobedience

615 "For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so by one man's obedience many will be made righteous."⁴⁴³ By his obedience unto death, Jesus accomplished the substitution of the suffering Servant, who "makes himself an offering for sin", when "he bore the sin of many", and who "shall make many to be accounted righteous", for "he shall bear their iniquities".⁴⁴⁴ Jesus atoned for our faults and made satisfaction for our sins to the Father.⁴⁴⁵

Jesus consummates his sacrifice on the cross

616 It is love "to the end"⁴⁴⁶ that confers on Christ's sacrifice its value as redemption and reparation, as atonement and satisfaction. He knew and loved us all when he offered his life.⁴⁴⁷ Now "the love of Christ controls us, because we are convinced that one has died for all; therefore all have died."⁴⁴⁸ No man, not even the holiest, was ever able to take on himself the sins of all men and offer himself as a sacrifice for all. The existence in Christ of the divine person of the Son, who at once surpasses and embraces all human persons, and constitutes himself as the Head of all mankind, makes possible his redemptive sacrifice for all.

III. THE MEANING AND SAVING SIGNIFICANCE OF THE RESURRECTION
651 "If Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain."⁵²¹ The Resurrection above all constitutes the confirmation of all Christ's works and teachings. All truths, even those most inaccessible to human reason, find their justification if Christ by his Resurrection has given the definitive proof of his divine authority, which he had promised.

652 Christ's Resurrection is the fulfillment of the promises both of the Old Testament and of Jesus himself during his earthly life.⁵²² The phrase "in accordance with the Scriptures"⁵²³ indicates that Christ's Resurrection fulfilled these predictions.

653 The truth of Jesus' divinity is confirmed by his Resurrection. He had said: "When you have lifted up the Son of man, then you will know that I am he."⁵²⁴ The Resurrection of the crucified one shows that he was truly "I AM", the Son of God and God himself. So St. Paul could declare to the Jews: "What God promised to the fathers, this he has fulfilled to us their children by raising Jesus; as also it is written in the second psalm, 'You are my Son, today I have begotten you.'"⁵²⁵ Christ's Resurrection is closely linked to the Incarnation of God's Son, and is its fulfillment in accordance with God's eternal plan.

654 The Paschal mystery has two aspects: by his death, Christ liberates us from sin; by his Resurrection, he opens for us the way to a new life. This new life is above all justification that reinstates us in God's grace, "so that as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life."⁵²⁶ Justification consists in both victory over the death caused by sin and a new participation in grace.⁵²⁷ It brings about filial adoption so that men become Christ's brethren, as Jesus himself called his disciples after his Resurrection: "Go and tell my brethren."⁵²⁸ We are brethren not by nature, but by the gift of grace, because that adoptive filiation gains us a real share in the life of the only Son, which was fully revealed in his Resurrection.

655 Finally, Christ's Resurrection - and the risen Christ himself is the principle and source of our future resurrection: "Christ has been raised from the dead, the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. . . For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive."⁵²⁹ The risen Christ lives in the hearts of his faithful while they await that fulfillment. In Christ, Christians "have tasted. . . the powers of the age to come"⁵³⁰ and their lives are swept up by Christ into the heart of divine life, so that they may "live no longer for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised."<sup>530

Footnotes:</sup>

439 Jn 1:29; cf. 8:34-36; 1 Cor 5:7; 1 Pet 1:19.
440 Mt 26:28; cf. Ex 24:8; Lev 16:15-16; 1 Cor 11:25.
441 Cf. Heb 10:10.
442 Cf. Jn 10:17-18; 15:13; Heb 9:14; 1 Jn 4:10.
443 Rom 5:19.
444 Isa 53:10-12.
445 Cf. Council of Trent (1547): DS 1529.
446 Jn 13:1.
447 Cf. Gal 2:20; Eph 5:2, 25.
448 2 Cor 5:14.

521 1 Cor 15:14.
522 Cf. Mt 28:6; Mk 16:7; Lk 24:6-7,26-27,44-48.
523 Cf. 1 Cor 15:3-4; cf. the Nicene Creed.
524 Jn 8:28.
525 Acts 13:32-33; cf. Ps 2:7.
526 Rom 6:4; cf. 4:25.
527 Cf. Eph 2:4-5; 1 Pet 1:3.
528 Mt 28:10; Jn 20:17.
529 1 Cor 15:20-22.
530 Heb 6:5.
531 2 Cor 5:15; cf. Col 3:1-3.

Sources:

http://catholicism.about.com/od/holydaysandholidays/p/What_Is_Easter.htm

^{http://www.vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p122a4p2.htm}

http://www.vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p122a5p2.htm

Trip To The Coast

Joe asked me to take some pictures today and send them to him. I wasn't sure where I wanted to take the pictures, but eventually decided on making my first trip out to the coast and visit Monterey/Pacific Grove. The day started out overcast, but warmed up to a high 60s to low 70s sunny day.

The Fridge

Joe called at 7 AM this morning (midnight in Korea) to let me know that he was headed down to Seoul with the squadron chaplain. Tonight will be another night of no sleep for him, and I don't see him getting much rest the rest of the weekend. I suggested he get a hotel room down there so that he won't have to travel 2 hours back to get some sleep, but I don't know if he will get the hotel room.

On a positive note, this morning was the first morning in a long time where I opened the refrigerator door without even thinking of plugging my nose and as a result I smelled....Nothing! The refrigerator is usually my arch-nemesis in the morning. Even if I plug my nose there is no guarantee that I won't still gag from the overwhelming smell that the refrigerator releases when the door is opened. Declaring myself having fully conquered the refrigerator in the morning is sure to result it me discovering otherwise in a day or two. I am pretty sure this morning's success was due to my nose being a bit stuffed up this morning and I also that fact that I slept in until around 9 AM.

No Rest For Joe

It  is past 11 AM in Korea right now and I really want to call Joe, but he didn't get to bed until past 5 AM and so I do not want to wake him up if he is still asleep. He mentioned that he was going to be up at 8 AM to go somewhere with the squadron commander, but hopefully the trip is delayed until the afternoon.

Both Joe and I have a four-day weekend due to President's Day, but my weekend will be far more restful than his. His squadron had an alert on Friday night which kept him up until 6 or 7 AM. Then, on Saturday night he was up all night for a different reason. Neither of us can remember the last time he has a restful weekend, though I am guessing it was New Years Eve weekend when we went down to Seoul and stayed at a hotel for a couple days.

I wish I could whisk Joe away on a vacation for a couple weeks. Not a whirlwind tour of the US visiting everyone type vacation, but a real get away where he could rest, relax, enjoy the scenery, and not worry about his phone ringing in the middle of the night. We had hoped he would be able to come back to the States for Christmas and planned on touring around CA, but November changed everything and I ended up going to Korea for Christmas. The next time he will be able to take leave is August, which will be for a wonderful but not restful reason. Hopefully between now and then he will at least have a couple weekends where he can relax in Korea.

Long Day

What a day. I was ready to go to call it a day and go to bed for the night while it was still early morning and I  hadn't even gotten up to start the day. From there it just went downhill. Nothing in particular went horribly wrong, but things that were messed up and needed my attention and things I had forgotten to do kept popping up throughout the day. The high point of my day was being able to talk to Joe this evening (during his lunch time) and tell him about the difficulties I had a work. It is so nice having a husband who understands  not only the army language (full of acronyms), but also understands the situations and is also able to give very good advice. Sometimes all I want to do is vent and have him tell me I am doing a good job and it will all be okay and he is also good about listening during those times.

On a more cheerful note, once again I walked to work and admired the beauty of California. Everything is green right now due to the occasional rains, and the temperatures are generally in the high 30s to low 40s in the early morning but get up into the high 50s and low 60s by the afternoon. In the summer everything turns brown and it gets hotter, but right now it is gorgeous. Even the brown of summer isn't too bad and still has some beauty to it. It still hasn't sunk it that I live in California. I never imagined that I would live here, nor did I have a strong desire to live here, but here I am nonetheless. Someday I will actually explore the state and perhaps drive out to the coast, but so far I have either been too busy or too lazy. I'd love for Joe to be here with me so that we could explore and see the sights together, but he won't be able to take leave until August.

I am not sure why I am still awake and not in bed since I am really tired. The only explanation that I can think of is that if I go to bed that means that it will be morning when I wake up. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Rambelings

While at West Point I had a blog that I updated regularly. Back then I told myself that I didn't care who read the blog or what they thought. The blog was basically an online journal for me, though I did try to at least recognize that other people would be reading the blog entries. I stopped updating the blog regularly after I graduated and was deployed to Iraq later that year. The Army was beginning to realize the operational security (OPSEC) implications of blogs and social network sites such as Facebook and Myspace and as a result there was a lot of interest in who was maintaining a blog or Facebook page and what they were posting. My somewhat carefree view of a blog as an outlet and way to share my thoughts and adventures of that day with my family and friends changed because I was worried that the people I worked with, or would work with in the future, would see the blog and not approve of something I wrote. It grew to the the point that I found it too much work to find something to write about that would make it past all of my self-censoring.

I have tried to start handwritten journals many times, but they never provide me with the satisfaction and ability to see my thoughts clearly like typing them out provides to me. Handwritten journals also don't provide me with the invisible audience (yet also very visible - Hi Family!) that acts as a motivation for me to write. It does seem a bit strange to me that I keep my thoughts to myself in speaking unless I judge my thought to be of enough interest to another person or have a need to share the thought, but that I also prefer to have an audience in the background when I write down my thoughts and daily life.

With so many recent changes happening with Joe and I (marriage, command, Jenavieve's death, baby on the  way, moving again in the future), I do hope to start blogging again to chronicle my thoughts and daily life with some of the enthusiasm that I approached it with while in college.